In the last issue of Husbands of Kaizen, we talked about how much contemporary culture has sexualized pretty much everything and where the man stands in societies’ Sexhibitionist Initiative.
Thus amping up each man’s Eroticitis of the Brain — a compulsion and obsession with sex.
But as much as contemporary culture has its part in our own Eroticitis of the Brain, a wise husband knows that he has to be accountable for his own thoughts, attitudes, and decisions — all of which determine the level of his effectiveness in marriage.
He knows that he must get a handle on it; by having the courage to understand it, without harsh self-judgment, guilt or shame; and on the other hand, without trivializing its adverse affects, in fear of projecting some Puritanical aura to those around him.
Eroticitis of the Brain cannot be reduced to a mere spectrum of libido strength.
When talking about sex and how most men relate to (and use) it, I’m talking about something deeper, something less obvious to the naked eye and likely never to be addressed by husbands who are seized by their Inner Critic — who happens to be armed with guilt and shame.
Often times, our sexual expressions have nothing to do with sex.
And the way we express ourselves sexually is a result of the pain we experience through unhealed wounds of our past.
The Kind Of Orgy You Never Expected To Have
Imagine yourself being in the heat of the moment with your wife and all of the sudden, some pretty dark emotions decide to crash your monogamous sex party.
Emotions like shame, guilt, anger … a deep sense of inadequacy.
They all decide to show up because you failed to address some of the most painful and unhealed wounds of your past.
What do you have? …
An orgy of negatively charged emotions all attempting to “get a piece” of the sexual pie.
What would your sex life be like if each emotion demanded that you act out a unique expression on its behalf every time you engaged in the sex act?
For instance, anger would demand you spank the hell out of your wife.
Shame would compel you to videotape your sexual encounter without your wife knowing, leaving you feeling horrible afterwards, but still excited to watch.
Guilt would rear its ugly head because instead of seeing your wife in her natural beauty, you would imagine the female clerk with the bulging breasts you saw a couple of days ago.
Your sense of inadequacy would convince you to prove your dominance, by overpowering her in various sexual scenarios.
This is what happens when open wounds of our past aren’t addressed … they project themselves onto our sexuality, leaving us no choice but to partake in an orgy of emotionally negative charges.
So what if we add a little suspense, a little pain in our sex lives? What’s wrong with that?
Isn’t it normal to want to “spice things up” in your sex life?
The Status Quo Of Sexual Fantasia
It’s common to normalize (without question) sexual fantasies or scenarios and practices that are not true expressions of our sexuality, but instead represent unresolved hurt and open wounds of our past.
For instance, a man who watches and enjoys pornography where women are being abused isn’t just captive to a fetish or a “niche market” catering to those who get off on that type of content.
This is likely a result of social conditioning from watching females get treated badly as a young boy. He witnesses the abuse and as he becomes sexually active, he sexualizes them.
And his real pain, as a young boy (watching other females get abused), is never addressed through non-sexual channels.
It’s not a matter of being a morally superior, self-righteous person when it comes to our sexual charge. It’s a matter of understanding the cause of the makeup of that sexual charge — in other words, where it’s really coming from.
When we see an attractive woman and notice her in her entirety, that’s natural. It’s healthy. We are appreciating her as a beautiful person.
But to ogle a certain part of her body (reducing her to an object) … that’s Eroticitis of the Brain.
Yet even that is considered to be healthy and normal for men to do (married or not). It’s the status quo and in some cases (depending who you hang around) you are expected to act accordingly, lest you find yourself a straight-laced outcast.
Eroticitis of the Brain … How To Escape It
We can only mature enough to outgrow our own Eroticitis of the Brain.
We cannot act morally righteous, pushing our guilt and shame into the dark corners of our psyche, nor can we trivialize the adverse of effects of a society (ourselves included) that glamorizes sexual obsession and compulsion as if it’s a healthy outlet for humanity.
It’s not (despite the provocative messages of contemporary culture.)
To outgrow your own Eroticitis of the Brain, you must revisit those open wounds of your past. Discover them and identify them as true sources of your pain.
Yes. It hurts. And yes. It will require you to be vulnerable.
It is a deeply challenging, but also a deeply healing undertaking, one that will leave you more whole, more vital, and a more internally connected husband.
From one husband to another,